


Ticks

by Baamon5evr



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Family Dynamics, Friendship, M/M, Mentions of brainwashing, Multi, PTSD, post AOU, slash and het
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 21:23:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2556176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baamon5evr/pseuds/Baamon5evr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes a while and some bruises, tears and a lot of work but they reach some kind of equilibrium and Bucky seems mostly okay but there are certain ticks he has and Sam likes to know exactly what they are and their inclinations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ticks

When Sam decided to run headlong into a what would become two year long search for Steve's formerly dead best friend he admittedly was running on a high from beating HYDRA and Steve had almost died making it clear to Sam that if left to his own devices Steve would kill himself looking for Bucky and the thought had crossed his mind that just maybe he wasn't overthinking things and Captain America had been flirting with him after outrunning him by miles. So he joined Steve in his search, came back with him to New York and fought with him and the Avengers against Tony's AI gone rogue and eventually caught up with Bucky and surprisingly Natasha and Clint in Russia. Since then he'd been appointed live in therapist for not only Bucky but all the Avengers. Really all the Avengers took Sam up on his offer that any of them could talk to him if they needed to, not just Bucky. Bucky was not the Winter Soldier when they finally caught up to him and he showed signs of sanity thanks mostly to Natasha who found him and Clint who she brought the Soviet assassin to after some months on their own but they are nowhere out of the woods.

It takes a while and some bruises, tears and a lot of work but they reach some kind of equilibrium and Bucky seems mostly okay but there are certain ticks he has and Sam likes to know exactly what they are and their inclinations. He has lots of ticks towards Steve but the first time he ever really notices something is going on is when they are all in Avengers Tower eating breakfast and somehow the conversation turned into Tony and Natasha trying to outdo each other making fun of Steve. This was nothing new, the first time he met Natasha she was joking about Steve's status as a fossil and among the first things Tony ever said to him was a comment on how he'd usually find a 60 year age gap in a relationship sleezy but congratulations for making it work. Steve was shaking his head in mock annoyance but Sam could tell he wasn't taking it seriously.

When he looked away Bucky caught his eye. Not because unlike everyone else he wasn't laughing. That was still kind of something they were working on him doing more often and he never laughed at anyone's jokes about Steve, he wasn't ready for it yet after everything on the helicarriers and the bridge. Sam understood that, what he didn't understand was the look on Bucky's face as he looked down at his waffles. He had a weird look on his face. It didn't look like he was remembering something, Sam knew that face well. He didn't look like he was trying to find something (a look that came up a lot when he wanted to say something but just couldn't find the words in any of the vast array of languages he knew.) He looked like he was struggling with some decision as he looked between Steve, Natasha and Tony. He had different looks for each.

When he was looking at Steve he had a protectiveness in his eyes like he wanted to grab Steve, put him in a plastic bubble and guard him the rest of their lives. The look was not an unfamiliar one though out of place or rather too intense for this jovial environment. When he looked at Natasha his eyes held the same sense of protectiveness with respect as well as confusion plus an undertone of awe and some longing (like always) but the confusion looked different. He looked at her like she was doing something he didn't understand or didn't like but he didn't know if he should stop her or not. He barely looked at Tony. His eyes flickered his way but never stayed too long on him so Sam couldn't decipher the look he had. Ever since he remembered he killed Tony's parents things were weird and stunted between them. Things had come to blows initially between them when Bucky still didn't remember and it had caused Steve and Tony to fight as well and Natasha was quite close to taking Bucky and leaving again, Clint would've left with them. Steve would've chased after them and Sam would've chased after Steve leaving the team once again divided but ultimately when put to a vote among the Avengers it was decided that the best place for Bucky to be was at Avengers Tower in order to maintain the safety of not just him but everyone else too. Bucky had done his best to avoid Tony like the plague and Tony had done the same (though to the genius' credit he had been surprisingly chill and understanding to Bucky but Pepper had a lot to do with that). She and Bucky had taken quite the shine to each other and she helped Tony get a grasp on his feelings and (justified) anger on the situation. Eventually he came to the conclusion HYDRA was to blame and he had been taken extreme pleasure in destroying them ever since.

Right now sitting at a table with the whole team listening to Steve get an impromptu mini roast was the closest to calm they'd gotten in a while. But Bucky still had that strange discomfitted look on his face, straight up until Steve decides to strike back and calls Natasha out on being pretty close to fossil status herself and made fun of the fact that Tony had posters of the Howling Commandos in his room and their action figures and comic books when he was a kid plus he slept with both Cappy and Bucky Bear straight up until he was 11. That got more laughs than the jokes aimed at Steve did and Sam watched Bucky finally relax and focus completely on his waffles. His reaction was recorded but largely forgotten.

~*~*~*~                                                                                                                              ~*~*~*~

The second time Sam notices something is up Natasha's sparring with Thor. Thor was naturally stronger thanks to his Asgardian genes but Natasha had enhanced strength thanks to the serum given to her during her Red Room days. They actually put up a good fight against each other and it was entertaining as hell to watch. For Sam, Clint and Tony anyway. Bucky? Not so much. He sat tensely next to Sam leaning against the wall watching the superspy and the demigod fight. His teeth clenched every time either landed a particularly hard hit. At first Sam thought his concern was just for Nat but as the redhead managed to get her thighs around Thor's neck Bucky gave a big enough jolt that it caught Clint and Tony's attention. Bucky kept his eyes on the fighting duo as Thor dislodged Natasha and threw her to the mat as gently as he could, she was back on her feet in microseconds and they were right back at it, his fist colliding with her forearms as she blocked him.

"Hey, Bucky it's okay. It's not real. They aren't going to hurt each other, not seriously anyway." Sam told Bucky reassuringly.

"Nat can handle herself just fine, you know that better than most." Clint said backing Sam up. Tony just watched on for a few moments as Bucky watched the two of them spar and nearly worked himself up into a panic attack as Natasha threw a roundhouse kick at Thor which he thwarted by grabbing her foot and twisting her onto the mat where she promptly kicked him in his abdomen.

"Hey Frosty Barnes, breathe!" Tony ordered. His voice directed at Bucky was enough to make Bucky look away from the display and towards Tony who looked at him with a raised eyebrow. Finally Bucky let out the breath he probably didn't know he was holding and looked down with embarrassment, partially hiding behind his hair. The three men looked at the lost soldier silently while Natasha and Thor obliviously continued sparring before Tony spoke again.

"Steve's out grocery shopping with Bruce... so why don't you go see what Pepper's up to?" He said casually, phrasing it as a question but it was more like an order. Sam, Clint and Bucky looked at him with surprise. Tony wasn't particularly fond of Pepper and Bucky's friendship or kinship or whatever you wanted to call it. It started when they left Bucky behind while they went on a mission, Pepper unexpectedly came home to just Bucky. Tony nearly had a heart attack when the battle weary Avengers walked onto Bucky's floor to see him and Pepper laughing together and playing card games. They'd been pretty close ever since and Bucky had even become Pepper's unofficial personal assistant/bodyguard. The man was surprisingly good with numbers and economics, a skill born of growing up in the Great Depression plus Natasha had taught him a few computer hacking skills while they were running around together. Honestly Pepper was such a mom to Bucky it was adorable to watch for Sam, she was well aware he was not a mindless child but she also acknowledged the trauma he'd gone through and the need for a gentler touch sans expectations in his life. Tony didn't care about her reasonings for taking Bucky under her wing. He understandably didn't want to risk losing more to the Winter Soldier. For however much it wasn't fair to blame Bucky for his parents' death (and he didn't... at least not as much as he did before) he still wasn't throwing him and Pepper in a room together and even if he couldn't control Pepper's actions he could make sure himself, Clint, Thor, Natasha or Steve was in the room or close by and JARVIS monitored them thoroughly. So for Tony to be telling Bucky to go find Pepper with no supervision (besides JARVIS of course because he was always watching Bucky) was huge. Bucky understood this and sat staring at Tony like a deer in headlights.

"You going or what? Because I don't like repeating myself. Just know if you break my girlfriend, I don't need to fight you in order to break you." Bucky snapped out of it and got that look on his face he got when he was carefully searching his mind in order to create a sentence.

"I don't want to hurt Pepper. She's my friend. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore." He said hesitantly, like he was wondering if that was the right thing to say. Tony tilted his head to the side, eyeing Bucky before he nodded understandingly.

"I know. Now go away." Tony replied flippantly, looking away from his former childhood hero towards his sparring teammates. Bucky stared at him a moment before standing up and walking towards the door. He gave Natasha and Thor one more look and gave a full body shudder as they both slammed to the mat, Sam wasn't sure who caused that but it had Bucky scurrying out the training room in search of the strawberry blonde.

"JARVIS, you keeping an eye on him?" Tony asked his AI in a voice more subdued than they'd ever heard from the inventor.

"Always, Sir." JARVIS replied solemnly, seeming to understand the change that just took place. Tony nodded and sighed before going back to watching the spectacle. Later on when they went to find Bucky and Pepper (Tony walking a bit faster than the rest of them) they were in the living room on Pepper's personal floor. They were on the carpet in their pajamas, Pepper with her back leaned against the sofa eating popcorn and Bucky sprawled out with his head on her lap while they watched 'The Lion King'. Apparently they'd recently been doing a Disney marathon. Sam watched Tony out of the corner of his eye. He looked at the both of them a moment before turning and walking away. Sam could see his fists clenched as he forced himself to walk away. Sam had been secretly speaking with Tony about his parents even while the billionaire was hellbent on getting revenge and could barely be reasoned with even by Pepper and Rhodey. Watching him walk away, Sam felt a sense of pride in Tony rise up (not that he'd ever tell). Sam looked over at Bucky and Pepper himself before going to his and Steve's floor silently. He recorded Bucky's reaction to the sparring but didn't connect the two incidents just yet.

~*~*~*~                                                                                                                              ~*~*~*~

The third time Bucky's reactions are prominent enough to capture Sam's attention, Sam wasn't really himself at the time. Brainwashing can do that to a person, he supposes. He understood what Bucky and Clint went through firsthand now. He felt like he was trapped within his own body watching himself do things with no way to stop it. Damn Loki straight to hell. The trickster had made Sam inject Bruce with some kind of substance that made him Hulk out prompting Tony to break out the hulkbuster armor once more and distracting the others so Sam could steal some tech and formulas for Loki. He made Sam tip off one of Natasha's past enemies and give him access to get into the Tower and onto Natasha's floor. It was sheer luck that Clint and Steve had to talk to her and intercepted the men who had given Natasha a paralytic agent and were set to shoot her in the head or do something much worse. He very nearly poisoned Steve multiple times but something always got in the way. Lastly, he made him kidnap Jane, Betty, Darcy, Bucky and Pepper so he could lure the Avengers to him and once they were where Loki wanted them he released Sam long enough so he could "see his good work".

Loki hadn't counted on Sam at least having some semblance of enough control to mess up Bucky's and Steve's sedative dosages. Watching them pummel the demigod had to be on Sam's Top Five Best Things To Happen This Year list. Even when Loki's hold on Sam was broken he was still disoriented and felt the urge to hurt all his friends and loved ones. He had escaped into the night when he felt himself itching to grab a knife and drive it through Steve's chest. His walk had directed him to an abandoned warehouse not too far from the Tower. Of course the others had found him and he had flat out refused to go anywhere with them or to leave the warehouse at all. They had sent Steve in to try to convince him to come back. He had pulled out every trick in the book. He used logic and reason, tried to guilt trip him using Sam's mother and sister and their feelings against him, tried to threaten him but Sam had remained stubborn and shot Steve down with an iron clad will. By the time Sam told him 'no, go away' the fifth time Steve was pretty damn close to tears.

"Sam, please don't do this. We can help you. Natasha got better after the Red Room. We helped Clint after Loki got to him. We helped Bucky after decades of brainwashing. _Please_ , don't shut me out right now. I love you. Please. Just come home." Steve pleaded desperately and somewhere inside Sam wanted to soothe the shattered look on his face the way he had done whenever Bucky was the one Steve was pleading with only to get turned away but he kept his face devoid of emotion and kept his voice like stone.

"I don't need a hero to come save me. I don't need Captain America's help." Steve reeled back like he'd been slapped hard. That was always a point of insecurity in their relationship, Steve wanting to be seen as Steve Rogers -- the man -- and not Captain America -- the legend --. Sam knew it would hurt him enough for him to leave and then he would no longer be in danger from Sam.

"Now go away, _Captain_." He ordered more than said. Steve opened his mouth like he had more to say but closed it, swallowed hard and then turned and quickly left the warehouse. Sam sighed heavily when he did, walked up the steps and crept towards a glassless window so he could observe what was happening outside. He could see the Avengers with Bucky minus Thor and Bruce outside the warehouse. Natasha and Clint were debating something, Tony was on the phone most likely with Pepper, Steve sat on a perch outside with his head down and his shoulders shaking and Bucky stood above him talking to him, his words seemed to do nothing. Suddenly Bucky sat down next to Steve and grabbed his face turning it towards him. Sam could see that Steve was trying so hard to struggle back tears that his face was red. Bucky said something to him and Steve nodded towards him. Bucky said something else and Steve looked at him doubtfully but Bucky got up and began walking determinedly towards the warehouse.

Sam half had a desire to hide but that would make him feel childish and Bucky would find him anyway so he steeled himself and walked down the concrete steps as Bucky walked in as silent as ever and closed the door behind him. The two of them stared at each other for a moment before Bucky spoke.

“No.” He said simply. Sam looked at him with confusion.

“Gonna need more than that.”

“You’re not doing this.”

“I kind of think I am. You can go with Steve and leave me alone.”

“I’m not leaving without you.”

“What? So you can finally be the hero again? How many times do I need to say it? _Leave me alone_.”

“You can say anything you want. You’ll find I’m not as sensitive as Steve. I’m not leaving. I can wait for you to pull your head out of your ass all night. I have an indefinite amount of time on my hands nowadays.” Bucky answered. Sam was vaguely surprised at the fullness of Bucky’s answer and a little miffed that at the moment the dude who spent 70 years being brainwashed, tortured and frozen by terrorist groups was the saner one in the room (at least he sounded it anyway).

“Why won’t you leave? I’m a threat to everyone, I figured you of all people would understand what I’m trying to do.” Sam asked, dropping the cold exterior and giving into his genuine curious.

“I do understand. Loki took your freewill, made you do things beyond your control, things you thought you’d never do. You hurt the people you love and that terrifies you because you think you could do it again, you _want_ to do it again even though you actually don’t. Your mind is in a million different places right now. I know what that’s like, I lived it and it made me run away from Steve too but you helped me to see that running wasn’t going solve anything, you helped me get through a lot of heavy things, you talked me down when I was pretty sure my mind was going to split clear in half. Now what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t stop you from making a huge mistake.”

“Friend?”

“I consider you my friend, probably one of best things to happen to me since I got away from HYDRA apart from Natalia and Steve. Speaking of, I got a guy outside ready to cry his eyes out over you and I told him I was going to get you back for him. I intend to keep that promise. You once told me I wasn’t alone and that shutting out the world wouldn’t change anything or fix what happened to me. Might wanna take your own advice there, Wilson.” Sam stared at Bucky with his jaw clenched.

“I found myself getting up in the middle of the night getting ready to find a knife so I could kill my boyfriend. I was going to _kill_ _Steve_ , how do you fix that?”

“I shot my girlfriend twice, nearly killed my brother, killed my friend and his wife and countless other people but somehow you helped me live with it and if you need help I’ll help you because that’s what you did for me.” Bucky looked down and then looked back up with a small knowing smile on his lips.

“I’ll be with you ‘til the end of the line.” Sam blinked hard because he knew the significance of that sentence to Steve and Bucky. Bucky helped pull Steve out of a grief induced depression with those words. Steve managed to break through the Winter Soldier’s programming with those words and now Bucky was using them on him and damn it they were working. Sam looked down and sighed with defeat.

“What the hell am I supposed to do?”

“Let us help you.” And Sam did. He followed Bucky outside and didn’t hug Steve even though he could see him itching for it. He spent two weeks holed up on Bruce’s floor getting his mind back in order before he even entertained being on the same floor as Steve alone let alone their bedroom. He finally understood Bucky’s ticks towards them all. They were his family and just like anyone he wanted his family safe, even from themselves. He hadn’t gotten to call a whole lot of things his as the Winter Soldier but the Avengers were his people and he wanted to protect them. Sam could understand that and so he had let them take care of him.

Bruce and Betty made sure there was no lingering neurological effects from Loki’s brainwashing, Tony and Pepper made sure he had everything he needed while he stayed in one of Bruce’s hulk proof panic rooms, Thor took care of Loki and made sure he was as far from him as possible, Steve came to see him the first couple days then Sam decided he didn’t want Steve seeing him like how he was (though he was certain he came to see him in the night). Bucky had been with him every step of the way and with Clint and Natasha’s help from their experiences he had steadily got a handle on the urges Loki had made him feel until they were barely noticeable and then they weren’t present at all. He was right back to his normal self (mostly) and when he finally gained enough courage to walk into the main living room alongside Clint, Bucky had gifted him with a smile that was larger than life in its brightness. He had smiled back widely before he was suddenly engulfed in Steve’s warmth and his strong embrace. He didn’t think this was going to be his life: a supersoldier, a couple superassassins, some spies, a friendly rage monster, a guy with metal hearts and a kick ass CEO but this was his family now too and he wouldn’t trade them for anything.


End file.
